SHINee's back! Had been listening to this in loop and now I'm addicted! Such a jam. 역시 우리 SHINee.
And this.
The lyrics...
아프게 빛나는 별 하나 (There’s one star that shines painfully)
잡고 싶지 않지만 (I don’t want to hold onto it)
꺼지길 바라진 않아 (But I don’t want it to extinguish either)
... is beautiful, healing.
I'm tired... Sometimes I wish I could escape into my dreams. Freedom, no stress, no worries, unlike reality. I'm worried... what if there's one day I choose the same path as you? 27 club. Next year I'll be 27...
What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like my strength to live is depleting each day?
No matter how much I do, whatever I did will turn into thin air if the figures do not show. Do I really want to stay? Is this really what I want? What do I want?
I'm back to that vulnerable side of me. It had been quite some time since I broke down like at this moment. After watching your concert, after listening to the new song, after watching the video below...
It is beautiful yet hurting so much.
I am controlling myself. I try to shut that part in my brain, try not to think what I shouldn't think. How can I think of ending it when I have not achieved anything yet? But sometimes, it really feels difficult to continue. 힘들 었어. I'm still looking for that strength to keep me going. Will I be able to find it before everything gets out of control?
Was watching the performance of 'End of a day' from the last day of the concert, the moment when you turned your back, the line of the lyrics above is what I am feeling now. '想挽留你的转身'
Your songs are always a comfort to me. I get my strength from them. Since the beginning of this year, it was hard for me. I was unable to find the strength to do what I was supposed to do. I lost the motivation.
I am still contemplating whether to leave or not. Just a bit more. If that is triggered, probably I won't hesitate anymore. I need to be selfish for myself for once.
너의 노래가 되어
소란스러웠던 하루 끝자락엔
매번 공허함이 존재해
캄캄하고 어두운 낯선 길
혼자라 느껴질 때
슬픔은 너로 인해
조금씩 위로가 되고
요동치는 내 맘속 세상은
나를 잔잔히 흐르게 해
너의 노래가 되어
잔잔한 음악이 되어
너의 아픈 눈물 모두
닦아줄 수가 있도록
너의 노래가 되어 줄게
편히 쉴 수 있는 쉼이 돼 줄게
너에게 한걸음
다가갈 수만 있다면
스스로 일어설 수 없을 것 같던 과거와 다가온 현실의 벽 앞에 나를 밝히는 너라는 빛
너의 노래가 되어
잔잔한 음악이 되어
너의 아픈 눈물 모두
닦아줄 수가 있도록
너의 노래가 되어 줄게
편히 쉴 수 있는 쉼이 돼 줄게
너에게 한걸음
다가갈 수만 있다면
아주 조금이라도 남았다면
우리 다시 시작할 수 있다면
아직은 아니야 끝이 아니야
헤어짐이 아냐
너의 이름을 불러
밤하늘 가득히 울려
너만이 들을 수 있는 목소리로
나지막이 불러
하고픈 말이 많아 (많아)
시간이 많이도 흘렀지만
보고 싶었다고
웃으며 인사해 안녕
Totally broke down when watching fancams of ballad songs. How I wish I could just hug you all and pass all the strength I left to you. I don't know how much longer I can endure. I'm tired and sick of everything.
What am I doing with my life? What am I supposed to do with my life? I am lost. Like lost in a forest. I don't know which way should I go...
I thought I got over it but it came back to square one. I did not. The heart pain is still here. The tiredness of this world is still here. Soul-less is what I am now. How much courage does it take to decide to escape from this tiring world?
Watched it. I broke down. Why is this the reality? The once my strength.
I want to live well. I wanted to. But everything suddenly become so tiring and difficult. Depleting. I wish to endure longer. How do I?
In a blink of an eye, 5 days of holidays are over. Back to work tomorrow. I seem to have lost the motivation and strength to work since last December. How could you guys affect me so greatly? I thought to myself, if I have a boyfriend, probably I wouldn't be affected this deep. Probably, I wouldn't have relied on you guys so much.
Last 2 days were your concerts in Kyocera Dome. You guys did well. Hope you did gain strength from the fans there. 수고했어요. Rest well till the next concert next week.
Watching the fancams, I went back to the first few stages. Ahh... I never reach the acceptance stage before, I think. Would it help if I visit the memorial space? But I don't even know when will I be able to go SK...
Life is unfair. Why does she have to go when she's still so young? But someone said that life is fair. When she has finished her duties for this life, she has to go.
From the start of this year, nothing seems to have gone well for me. I've never felt such insecurity these 3 years. Now the feeling is so strong that makes me feel so tired and think what I should not think about "end the pain and leave for the place where you are right now". I'm trying hard to fight. I'm really trying. I was able to four years ago, with you guys being my strength. But now...
"As the elevator doors close
I look so pitiful
But still, it’s the reason I blink and breathe and live
Is this right for me? Or am I being chased down?
Hello, hello, say hello
Say hello to the haggardly me
Hello, hello, say hello
Be honest, be honest with me
Don’t hide it, please don’t hide it
Since when did you start crying?
Do you know what kind of face you’re making?
You"
I'm tired. You asked me what I feel about the changes. 两个字，麻木。This is not the first time experiencing. What stability is there to say here? Why am I still staying here for so long? I felt like giving up. I saw a quote. "When you feel like giving up, look at how far you've come." Yes, I've come this far. Should I give up? I'm really tired of this. I'm losing the strength to continue.
How are you doing today? I'm trying to find comfort in your song.
Did not encounter any unhappiness or anything, just suddenly got the feeling... tired of life. What is my life? Am I living it right? What have I done? What should I do? What did I achieve? What should I achieve?
Feeling demotivated at work. I worked hard, I did my best, but what do I get? Numbers are all that matters in the sales line. Number is not attained, you get nothing. It's either 0 or 1, nothing in between. Getting the feeling that one year of hard work has gone down the drain.
My tears flowed down when it came to this part.
'수고했어요 정말 고생했어요
그댄 나의 자랑이죠'
At this moment, I hoped that someone would say this to me. Listening to it, I'll take it that you are saying it to me. So, thanks for the comfort.
It may be late but I will also tell you this. 수고했어요 정말 고생했어요. 그댄 나의 자랑이죠. You left a lot of great songs with us. Your song had won 1st place today. I'd believe you were on the stage with your trophy, just that we were unable to see you with our naked eyes.
Healing myself with this song today. Things will get better with time.
"I WILL
I’ll be okay
because when this moment passes
one day will be like back then
I WILL
I’ll be better
even the things I see
are still the world
If I go back to that time
can right now change?
maybe"
I did think before, if I could turn back the time, I wanna do it and change everything. However now, on second thought, probably I shouldn't. Things must have been so hard, that's why you made this decision. Would you be happy if you are brought back? If nothing changed, probably this will still happen eventually.
You came into my dream last night. Finally, I saw you. This time, I remembered the dream. I saw your face clearly. You were happy. The moment I woke up, my tears flowed down. I wanna go back into that dream. Let me see you for a longer time. Can I see you perform the new songs in my dream tonight? You did well.
The last time my grandma passed away, I also dreamed of her. Though the figure was blurry, I could feel that it was my grandma. My feeling was telling me that it was you. I was also heartbroken that time. I cried a lot as well when I'm alone. 因为不舍。。。
I made a mistake, I shouldn't think that I can watch it. It is still hard.
"If I close my eyes, If I close my ears
Will I be able to forget?
I can’t ever see you
Or hear you again"
You are a talented musician. It's a pity you left early.
I'm getting tired of working. Probably getting more demotivated.
'What you did is part of your job.'
'You did not do something beyond your jobscope.'
Since I did what is required of me ONLY, my performance is satisfactory. If not because of the colleagues here, I wouldn't be able to stay here for almost 4 years.
I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay. But there is no point staying if the company does not recognize your contributions right?
我不知道需要多久，伤口才会愈合。或许这次演唱会后，会很久很久看不到你们在舞台上。或许会伤心，会难过，会遗憾。就用这段时间，让伤口一点，一点地愈合。But remember, you are not alone. There're still a lot of others, caring for you, loving you.
I read their letters. The feelings from 3 weeks ago came back. Keeping myself busy the last few days makes me think less. I was ok but broke down again. I never reached the acceptance stage.
I believe, when SHINee comes back, SHINee and SHINee World will become stronger. Because all had gone through the hard times together, overcome all the difficulties.
I played with fire. Went to listen to this song. I am not ok now. It's hurting again.
네가 아파하지 않길 기도해 (Pray that you will not be sick)
단지 네가 행복하기를 바래 (I just want you to be happy)
I hope you are much happier there.
길었던 어둠이 사라지고 나면 (Once the long darkness has disappeared)
다시 날아올라 (Fly again)
Everything will be fine... one day.
It will be less hurting one day but the scar will be there forever.
I hope I’ll be able to tell you guys this. I know it’s still not possible yet. I really miss your heartfelt smiles and laughters, after looking at all your past photos.
This is my 300th post. Yes, only 300 posts though I started my blog 12 years ago. I stopped for 3 years and came back to blog 3 weeks ago because an unhappy incident happened. 我需要一个让我发泄情绪的管道。
Had been tidying up my things over the weekend. My table, my cabinets. Finally, decided to dispose all my poly lecture notes. Even if I keep them in my cabinet, I would not take them out and read anymore. Also, those were 9 years ago's syllabus, I won't be able to give them to anyone. So, might as well dispose and free up the space. At least my mind is elsewhere while tidying, I won't keep thinking about it. Just take a look at my t-lists on SHINee at times. Seeing the photos, gifs, I didn't feel like he had left. I wished to live in this delusion.
I listened to this song today. Felt so... healing. I survived through the song without any tears. Did I do a good job?
Will you guys come into my dream tonight? I miss all of you...
Time flew past so fast. It 's the 18th day. But I'm still unable to listen to any SHINee's or Jonghyun's songs yet. After the intro of the song, I'm on the verge of crying after listening to a few lines. Therefore, I can only try to listen in the night when I am alone in the room. I tried to listen when I am in public, but I immediately stopped the song when my tears are about to flow out.
I listened to 'The Reason' just now. As expected, gush of tears while watching the video. This is enough for today. Let's move one step a time.
To my dazzling lights, thank you for being with me for the past 6 years. Thank you for giving me strength when I almost lost my willpower. Thank you for giving me so many happy moments.
I looked up the sky tonight. The moon is beautiful. Is that you smiling to us? Everything still feels so unreal. I miss you. I miss Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin. It's the second day of new year and I'm feeling so blank, so terrified of the future.
I had a bad dream last night but I managed to wake up. But for this nightmare, I won't be able to wake up from it, I have to stay in it forever. By any chance, did you ever... regret? I shouldn't even think of this. It just makes me even more saddened. What if you really did regret but it was too late...
It’s 2 weeks now. I thought I was feeling better. I thought I moved on a bit. I went to watch SHINee on Star Date during Dream Girl promotion. It was hilarious. I laughed hard. But towards the end, my tears flowed down out of my control. I won’t be able to see your smile and hear your laughter anymore. I doubt I’ll be able to see their smiles and hear the laughter in the near future. I know the pain of losing our family member. It takes time to heal.
샤이니오빠들, please take care of yourselves. Please gain strength. There are a lot of people caring for you guys. 사랑해.
This afternoon, I came upon the image above on Google Images. In the previous post, I said that I wished to go back in time and change what happened. But if I changed it, would you be happy? Or probably it will just delay the timing. It might still happen eventually.
종현오빠, how are you doing up there? Hope you are feeling much happier than before. Did you come into my dream last night? I can't really remember, just the feeling that you came. I think I saw you being happy, smiling. Did you see my grandma and grandpa? How are they? They were suffering from sickness when they were still alive. They should be free from suffering now right?
