네 곁에 있어

I read their letters. The feelings from 3 weeks ago came back. Keeping myself busy the last few days makes me think less. I was ok but broke down again. I never reached the acceptance stage. 

I believe, when SHINee comes back, SHINee and SHINee World will become stronger. Because all had gone through the hard times together, overcome all the difficulties.

I played with fire. Went to listen to this song. I am not ok now. It's hurting again. 

네가 아파하지 않길 기도해 (Pray that you will not be sick)

단지 네가 행복하기를 바래 (I just want you to be happy)

I hope you are much happier there.

길었던 어둠이 사라지고 나면 (Once the long darkness has disappeared)

다시 날아올라 (Fly again)

Everything will be fine... one day. 

It will be less hurting one day but the scar will be there forever.

끝까지, 약속

고맙다. 사랑한다. 영원히. 끝까지. My heart will not change.

언젠가. 기다릴게.

‘다시 그렇게 웃어서 고마워.’ 

Did I write this correctly?

I hope I’ll be able to tell you guys this. I know it’s still not possible yet. I really miss your heartfelt smiles and laughters, after looking at all your past photos.

300th post

This is my 300th post. Yes, only 300 posts though I started my blog 12 years ago. I stopped for 3 years and came back to blog 3 weeks ago because an unhappy incident happened. 我需要一个让我发泄情绪的管道。

Had been tidying up my things over the weekend. My table, my cabinets. Finally, decided to dispose all my poly lecture notes. Even if I keep them in my cabinet, I would not take them out and read anymore. Also, those were 9 years ago's syllabus, I won't be able to give them to anyone. So, might as well dispose and free up the space. At least my mind is elsewhere while tidying, I won't keep thinking about it. Just take a look at my t-lists on SHINee at times. Seeing the photos, gifs, I didn't feel like he had left. I wished to live in this delusion.

I listened to this song today. Felt so... healing. I survived through the song without any tears. Did I do a good job? 

Will you guys come into my dream tonight? I miss all of you...

고마워, 사랑해

Time flew past so fast. It 's the 18th day. But I'm still unable to listen to any SHINee's or Jonghyun's songs yet. After the intro of the song, I'm on the verge of crying after listening to a few lines. Therefore, I can only try to listen in the night when I am alone in the room. I tried to listen when I am in public, but I immediately stopped the song when my tears are about to flow out. 

I listened to 'The Reason' just now. As expected, gush of tears while watching the video. This is enough for today. Let's move one step a time.

To my dazzling lights, thank you for being with me for the past 6 years. Thank you for giving me strength when I almost lost my willpower. Thank you for giving me so many happy moments. 

고마워, 사랑해. 오늘도 보고싶어.

你。。。后悔过吗？

I looked up the sky tonight. The moon is beautiful. Is that you smiling to us? Everything still feels so unreal. I miss you. I miss Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin. It's the second day of new year and I'm feeling so blank, so terrified of the future. 

只要专注工作，我就不会去想你已离开的事实。我的心就暂时不会痛。是因为你们是我的精神支柱，所以我就那么依赖你们？一想到如果有一天，你们不再在我的生命里，我突然感到害怕，好空虚。

I had a bad dream last night but I managed to wake up. But for this nightmare, I won't be able to wake up from it, I have to stay in it forever. By any chance, did you ever... regret? I shouldn't even think of this. It just makes me even more saddened. What if you really did regret but it was too late... 

有谁的人生没有遗憾的？只有在失去后，我们才后悔当初为什么没珍惜。他走也快三年了。如果当时我没那么绝，如果我当时还对他有一点关心，或许他家人就不会失去他了。

The pain is still here.

It’s 2 weeks now. I thought I was feeling better. I thought I moved on a bit. I went to watch SHINee on Star Date during Dream Girl promotion. It was hilarious. I laughed hard. But towards the end, my tears flowed down out of my control. I won’t be able to see your smile and hear your laughter anymore. I doubt I’ll be able to see their smiles and hear the laughter in the near future. I know the pain of losing our family member. It takes time to heal. 

샤이니오빠들, please take care of yourselves. Please gain strength. There are a lot of people caring for you guys. 사랑해.

This afternoon, I came upon the image above on Google Images. In the previous post, I said that I wished to go back in time and change what happened. But if I changed it, would you be happy? Or probably it will just delay the timing. It might still happen eventually.

종현오빠, how are you doing up there? Hope you are feeling much happier than before. Did you come into my dream last night? I can't really remember, just the feeling that you came. I think I saw you being happy, smiling. Did you see my grandma and grandpa? How are they? They were suffering from sickness when they were still alive. They should be free from suffering now right?