I will... be okay. I will... be better.

Healing myself with this song today. Things will get better with time.

"I WILL
I’ll be okay
because when this moment passes
one day will be like back then
I WILL
I’ll be better
even the things I see
are still the world

If I go back to that time
can right now change?
maybe"

I did think before, if I could turn back the time, I wanna do it and change everything. However now, on second thought, probably I shouldn't. Things must have been so hard, that's why you made this decision. Would you be happy if you are brought back? If nothing changed, probably this will still happen eventually.

Miss you

"I’m crying I’m crying

I’m crying cause I miss you"

Tonight's song, Taemin's 'I'm crying'. It was raining outside. Felt like the sky was crying.

Hope you guys are healing well. Suddenly, I'm missing you so much. 

Dream

You came into my dream last night. Finally, I saw you. This time, I remembered the dream. I saw your face clearly. You were happy. The moment I woke up, my tears flowed down. I wanna go back into that dream. Let me see you for a longer time. Can I see you perform the new songs in my dream tonight? You did well.

The last time my grandma passed away, I also dreamed of her. Though the figure was blurry, I could feel that it was my grandma. My feeling was telling me that it was you. I was also heartbroken that time. I cried a lot as well when I'm alone. 因为不舍。。。

I was once and will keep on be by your side

"I was able to smile when I was looking at you

You had become my little shelter"

"Only good memories, only a longing heart"

"I’ll swallow my tears and at the end of my wait

I will bloom once again"

Unless you leave me, otherwise I will always be by your side. 영원히.

It is still hurting

"The voice I long for even in my dreams
I call out the name but there’s no answer
Only the tearful echo returns
And I listen to that sound by myself"

마음이 아직도 아파.

Getting tired...

I made a mistake, I shouldn't think that I can watch it. It is still hard.

"If I close my eyes, If I close my ears
Will I be able to forget?
I can’t ever see you
Or hear you again"

You are a talented musician. It's a pity you left early.

I'm getting tired of working. Probably getting more demotivated.
'What you did is part of your job.'
'You did not do something beyond your jobscope.'
Since I did what is required of me ONLY, my performance is satisfactory. If not because of the colleagues here, I wouldn't be able to stay here for almost 4 years.

I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay. But there is no point staying if the company does not recognize your contributions right?

谢谢你。还有，记住，你并不孤独。

我在看一部歌唱节目，听到了这首歌。又一首催泪歌。

“你沉沉地睡著 我靜靜看著你的容貌

聽你的呼吸 聽你的心跳

忽然很想告訴你 謝謝你過去帶給我的美好

人生挫折不少 你的聲音給我很多依靠

聽你談未來 聽你大聲笑

忽然很想喚醒你 現在就陪我去山上繞繞

你是我的寶 我一直為你感動驕傲

即使夢想再累再煎熬 你仍緊緊抓牢

真心的執著 絕不放掉

你是我的寶 我一直為你感動驕傲

外面的也世界再多紛擾 你依舊把單純擁抱

生命的旋律 愈唱愈高

今晚聽我輕輕唱 我想給你一份愛的力量

聽我為你祈禱 聽我說說話

我已經打開窗 準備和你迎接每天的太陽

啊～～～～～～”

之前，在我情绪低落的时候，你们的歌，你们的笑声，给了我很大的安慰还有快乐。现在，听你们的歌，会有心痛的感觉。你们四个现在一定是比我更难受。却还要坚强的准备你们下个月的演唱会。

我不知道需要多久，伤口才会愈合。或许这次演唱会后，会很久很久看不到你们在舞台上。或许会伤心，会难过，会遗憾。就用这段时间，让伤口一点，一点地愈合。But remember, you are not alone. There're still a lot of others, caring for you, loving you.

"You are not alone

I am here with you

Though you're far away

I am here to stay

You are not alone

I am here with you

Though we're far apart

You're always in my heart"

两个世界

这首歌。。。我已经三年没听了。之前，听这首歌时，我就会想起我们那段回忆，顿时感到伤感。这首歌是我们决定分手后，你最后发给我的歌。因为眼泪会不自觉的流下来，所以就决定不碰这首歌。

虽然我们年龄差距不小，我们却聊得来。可是我们毕竟是属于两个不同世界的人。其实根本就不应该开始的。

没想到，一转眼就三年了。我也三年不敢碰爱情这东西。

两年前，你突然离开了。这两年，奶奶，爷爷和钟铉也都纷纷到了你在的那个世界。你们在那儿，过得还快乐吗？

Why?

I can’t think of anything else, only ‘Why?’ 

네 곁에 있어

I read their letters. The feelings from 3 weeks ago came back. Keeping myself busy the last few days makes me think less. I was ok but broke down again. I never reached the acceptance stage. 

I believe, when SHINee comes back, SHINee and SHINee World will become stronger. Because all had gone through the hard times together, overcome all the difficulties.

I played with fire. Went to listen to this song. I am not ok now. It's hurting again. 

네가 아파하지 않길 기도해 (Pray that you will not be sick)

단지 네가 행복하기를 바래 (I just want you to be happy)

I hope you are much happier there.

길었던 어둠이 사라지고 나면 (Once the long darkness has disappeared)

다시 날아올라 (Fly again)

Everything will be fine... one day. 

It will be less hurting one day but the scar will be there forever.

끝까지, 약속

고맙다. 사랑한다. 영원히. 끝까지. My heart will not change.

언젠가. 기다릴게.

‘다시 그렇게 웃어서 고마워.’ 

Did I write this correctly?

I hope I’ll be able to tell you guys this. I know it’s still not possible yet. I really miss your heartfelt smiles and laughters, after looking at all your past photos.

300th post

This is my 300th post. Yes, only 300 posts though I started my blog 12 years ago. I stopped for 3 years and came back to blog 3 weeks ago because an unhappy incident happened. 我需要一个让我发泄情绪的管道。

Had been tidying up my things over the weekend. My table, my cabinets. Finally, decided to dispose all my poly lecture notes. Even if I keep them in my cabinet, I would not take them out and read anymore. Also, those were 9 years ago's syllabus, I won't be able to give them to anyone. So, might as well dispose and free up the space. At least my mind is elsewhere while tidying, I won't keep thinking about it. Just take a look at my t-lists on SHINee at times. Seeing the photos, gifs, I didn't feel like he had left. I wished to live in this delusion.

I listened to this song today. Felt so... healing. I survived through the song without any tears. Did I do a good job? 

Will you guys come into my dream tonight? I miss all of you...

고마워, 사랑해

Time flew past so fast. It 's the 18th day. But I'm still unable to listen to any SHINee's or Jonghyun's songs yet. After the intro of the song, I'm on the verge of crying after listening to a few lines. Therefore, I can only try to listen in the night when I am alone in the room. I tried to listen when I am in public, but I immediately stopped the song when my tears are about to flow out. 

I listened to 'The Reason' just now. As expected, gush of tears while watching the video. This is enough for today. Let's move one step a time.

To my dazzling lights, thank you for being with me for the past 6 years. Thank you for giving me strength when I almost lost my willpower. Thank you for giving me so many happy moments. 

고마워, 사랑해. 오늘도 보고싶어.

你。。。后悔过吗？

I looked up the sky tonight. The moon is beautiful. Is that you smiling to us? Everything still feels so unreal. I miss you. I miss Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin. It's the second day of new year and I'm feeling so blank, so terrified of the future. 

只要专注工作，我就不会去想你已离开的事实。我的心就暂时不会痛。是因为你们是我的精神支柱，所以我就那么依赖你们？一想到如果有一天，你们不再在我的生命里，我突然感到害怕，好空虚。

I had a bad dream last night but I managed to wake up. But for this nightmare, I won't be able to wake up from it, I have to stay in it forever. By any chance, did you ever... regret? I shouldn't even think of this. It just makes me even more saddened. What if you really did regret but it was too late... 

有谁的人生没有遗憾的？只有在失去后，我们才后悔当初为什么没珍惜。他走也快三年了。如果当时我没那么绝，如果我当时还对他有一点关心，或许他家人就不会失去他了。

The pain is still here.

It’s 2 weeks now. I thought I was feeling better. I thought I moved on a bit. I went to watch SHINee on Star Date during Dream Girl promotion. It was hilarious. I laughed hard. But towards the end, my tears flowed down out of my control. I won’t be able to see your smile and hear your laughter anymore. I doubt I’ll be able to see their smiles and hear the laughter in the near future. I know the pain of losing our family member. It takes time to heal. 

샤이니오빠들, please take care of yourselves. Please gain strength. There are a lot of people caring for you guys. 사랑해.

This afternoon, I came upon the image above on Google Images. In the previous post, I said that I wished to go back in time and change what happened. But if I changed it, would you be happy? Or probably it will just delay the timing. It might still happen eventually.

종현오빠, how are you doing up there? Hope you are feeling much happier than before. Did you come into my dream last night? I can't really remember, just the feeling that you came. I think I saw you being happy, smiling. Did you see my grandma and grandpa? How are they? They were suffering from sickness when they were still alive. They should be free from suffering now right?