The pain is still here.

It’s 2 weeks now. I thought I was feeling better. I thought I moved on a bit. I went to watch SHINee on Star Date during Dream Girl promotion. It was hilarious. I laughed hard. But towards the end, my tears flowed down out of my control. I won’t be able to see your smile and hear your laughter anymore. I doubt I’ll be able to see their smiles and hear the laughter in the near future. I know the pain of losing our family member. It takes time to heal. 

샤이니오빠들, please take care of yourselves. Please gain strength. There are a lot of people caring for you guys. 사랑해.

This afternoon, I came upon the image above on Google Images. In the previous post, I said that I wished to go back in time and change what happened. But if I changed it, would you be happy? Or probably it will just delay the timing. It might still happen eventually.

종현오빠, how are you doing up there? Hope you are feeling much happier than before. Did you come into my dream last night? I can't really remember, just the feeling that you came. I think I saw you being happy, smiling. Did you see my grandma and grandpa? How are they? They were suffering from sickness when they were still alive. They should be free from suffering now right?

Goodbye 2017, a tough year. 고마워, 샤이니, 항상.

It’s the last day of 2017. Neither 2016 or 2017 is good for me. I lost my grandma in 2016. I lost my grandpa and SHINee Jonghyun in 2017. 

I don't know how to welcome 2018 happily. The fears. The uncertainties. I don’t know whether I’ll be strong enough to endure everyday life without SHINee. You guys kept me going all these years. 

In a flash of eye, 6 years have passed. You guys have been accompanying me for the past 6 years. It’s not long but it isn’t a short period either. I want to say, 고마워, five shining stars who shined and brightened up my life since 2011.

No matter what decisions you guys make, I have to accept it wholeheartedly, even if it is pain. Pain will fade away, only that it needs time. As long as you guys are happy. Your happiness is everything. I hope I won't regret saying this if you guys really decided to... 

#2018with5HINee

Can I turn back the time?

It was painful to live the past weeks. How I wished it was a nightmare. How I wished it was an April Fool’s prank. It felt like the world had collapsed. It's almost 2 weeks and I’m still in disbelief. My heart still hurts when it crosses my mind.

I did think before, what if one day you guys disband. What if one day I am unable to see you guys anymore because you all leave the entertainment industry and live like a normal person. If it happens, will I be able to still live my life happily? Will I be able to get used to the days without you guys? I know my heart will hurt. You guys are my happy pill. I will feel empty without you guys.

天下没有不散的宴席。I know and understand this. But I really hope you guys will last for a long time, just like Shinhwa. I have faith because I know the strong bond between you guys. I have faith because you guys wanted as well. 

On December 18, 2017, my heart shattered into pieces. I did not expect this kind of farewell. Little did I expect this kind of farewell will come so soon.

One day in 2011, the TV was airing Hello Baby. That was the time I was introduced to you guys, SHINee, and began my life in SHINee World. I started to follow your news, watched all the variety shows you guys appeared on and also downloaded all your songs. You guys become my pillar of strength. My life becomes more colourful because of you guys.

In 2012-2013, I was pursuing my Bachelor degree. I was struggling every exam period. I had a hard time. I cried when I can’t get the stuff into my head. I cried fearing I’ll not do well. I broke down because of the stress. Occasionally scary thoughts crossed my mind during those periods. I wanted relief. I wanted to end the distress. I wanted to end the suffering. How I wished I can keep on sleeping and never wake up. But I persisted. I endured. Besides my family, you guys helped me. You guys gave me the strength to overcome all the negative thoughts. Without my family, without you guys, I won’t be able to hang in there. I would have lost the battle and left, and not becoming a stronger me today. (I’m sorry I did not give the same amount of strength to you, and now you left for a far-away place.)

I do not regret knowing and stanning you guys. Even if I go back in time to 2011, I will still fall for you guys. Nothing will change. But if I can turn back the time, I would choose to go back to either August 2017 or December 2017 and change the histories. If the histories change, would it turn out better? Will it do you good or bad? Will you still choose this path but just at a delayed date?

It is just my wishful thinking. Even if I can go back in time, how would I be able to change the histories? How would I have the capability to stop everything from happening? Probably things will still turn out as they are today.

小时的回忆

突然好想念5566哦。

他们是我第一个喜欢的偶像团体。当时我是多么喜欢看他们的节目：完全娱乐，少年特攻队。哇，那是多久以前的事了呀！十一年前，因为西街少年而认识了他们，成为了他们的粉丝。OMG! 十一年前啊！十一年前的我还是个小学生，现在已是个出社会工作的大人了。但我那喜欢他们的心还是没改变。

还是会期待未来他们能再合体出专辑。

Into working life

In the past, I would say "Urgh, school tomorrow."

Now, I would say "Urgh, work tomorrow."

Working life now. No more school holidays. I only have annual leave now but also not as much days as the school holidays. XD

Monday is so far away from Friday but Friday is so near to Monday. 왜?

Cute dog I saw on the street

Cute right?

I didn't update for some time... Here I am now.

Worked for 3+ months already. Probation was said to be 3 months the other time but guess what, I received confirmation letter in just 2 months! I didn't expect to receive it so fast. THANKS!!

My work... still ok, manageable, still picking up things. Have 3 exhibitions coming up and have to do the planning and all. Because it is my first time and I did not study events management before, quite hard for me but slowly learning the ropes. It's just the estimations of the quantities of brochures, gadgets etc that is quite difficult to grasp. Anyway, as long as the work is something that I can do, I would just stay on. So far, I didn't face any office politics. Hope it will continue this way...

SHINee... Taemin's solo debut. LOL this is something all of us know even before the official release statement. It's his great achievement! Honestly, I'm more looking forward to SHINee's comeback. But I doubt they're going to make a comeback this year. From September till December, they're having JAT 2014 and their schedules are really so packed! So how can they have a comeback during that time? If it's like this, I won't be seeing them on award shows this year... Nevermind. Can we just have them on variety shows instead? Guest on Running Man? I'm anticipating this for a very long time. Or SHINee TV a reality show of their own? Mokbang? SHINee Hello Baby Season 2? God, I miss them on variety shows.

Big Bang... when's their comeback? I heard it's in Summer? But no news yet? Will they be guesting on Running Man again? Will there be Big Bang Hello Baby? Hahaha I'm so curious about them taking care of a child...

f(x)... what is happening to them? Sudden news of hiatus of Sulli? Sudden end of promotions? SM lets SHINee promote as 4 during Why So Serious due to JH's accident, so why can't f(x) promote as 4 for Red Light when Sulli is unwell?

Dogs... I saw a very cute dog today. So pretty, so cute, so fluffy, so puffy. OMG, seriously, she is just too... cuteness overload. Photos to be found in my next post. No deny, I really love dogs. I have 5 dog soft toys, 2 small and 3 medium sized. Hehehs...

Graduation... Confirmed! My graduation ceremony is on 25th August! Finally after so many months of no news...

Airplane... So many news of air crashes. I flying to KL on 6 August. Of course, I will feel somewhat insecure. But then, all is fated in this life. Your birth, your death, your wealth, your life, your destiny. Some believe that you can control your destiny, your life. Maybe it is true. Anyway, hope all will be fine...