It’s the last day of 2017. Neither 2016 or 2017 is good for me. I lost my grandma in 2016. I lost my grandpa and SHINee Jonghyun in 2017.
I don't know how to welcome 2018 happily. The fears. The uncertainties. I don’t know whether I’ll be strong enough to endure everyday life without SHINee. You guys kept me going all these years.
In a flash of eye, 6 years have passed. You guys have been accompanying me for the past 6 years. It’s not long but it isn’t a short period either. I want to say, 고마워, five shining stars who shined and brightened up my life since 2011.
No matter what decisions you guys make, I have to accept it wholeheartedly, even if it is pain. Pain will fade away, only that it needs time. As long as you guys are happy. Your happiness is everything. I hope I won't regret saying this if you guys really decided to...
It was painful to live the past weeks. How I wished it was a nightmare. How I wished it was an April Fool’s prank. It felt like the world had collapsed. It's almost 2 weeks and I’m still in disbelief. My heart still hurts when it crosses my mind.
I did think before, what if one day you guys disband. What if one day I am unable to see you guys anymore because you all leave the entertainment industry and live like a normal person. If it happens, will I be able to still live my life happily? Will I be able to get used to the days without you guys? I know my heart will hurt. You guys are my happy pill. I will feel empty without you guys.
天下没有不散的宴席。I know and understand this. But I really hope you guys will last for a long time, just like Shinhwa. I have faith because I know the strong bond between you guys. I have faith because you guys wanted as well.
On December 18, 2017, my heart shattered into pieces. I did not expect this kind of farewell. Little did I expect this kind of farewell will come so soon.
One day in 2011, the TV was airing Hello Baby. That was the time I was introduced to you guys, SHINee, and began my life in SHINee World. I started to follow your news, watched all the variety shows you guys appeared on and also downloaded all your songs. You guys become my pillar of strength. My life becomes more colourful because of you guys.
In 2012-2013, I was pursuing my Bachelor degree. I was struggling every exam period. I had a hard time. I cried when I can’t get the stuff into my head. I cried fearing I’ll not do well. I broke down because of the stress. Occasionally scary thoughts crossed my mind during those periods. I wanted relief. I wanted to end the distress. I wanted to end the suffering. How I wished I can keep on sleeping and never wake up. But I persisted. I endured. Besides my family, you guys helped me. You guys gave me the strength to overcome all the negative thoughts. Without my family, without you guys, I won’t be able to hang in there. I would have lost the battle and left, and not becoming a stronger me today. (I’m sorry I did not give the same amount of strength to you, and now you left for a far-away place.)
I do not regret knowing and stanning you guys. Even if I go back in time to 2011, I will still fall for you guys. Nothing will change. But if I can turn back the time, I would choose to go back to either August 2017 or December 2017 and change the histories. If the histories change, would it turn out better? Will it do you good or bad? Will you still choose this path but just at a delayed date?
It is just my wishful thinking. Even if I can go back in time, how would I be able to change the histories? How would I have the capability to stop everything from happening? Probably things will still turn out as they are today.
